Everyone hears it when they reveal that they are unwell.
Especially from people who care, and really do want to help. Now it’s easy to respond when the answer is “I have the flu” or “I have diabetes” or even “I broke a bone”. The focus then moves on to discuss prognosis and recovery. But when someone says “I have Clinical Depression” there is a sense of déjà vu because the question circles back. Of course, this time the person means to enquire about the triggering event – the evil evil thing that caused the brain to go cranky.
Especially from people who care, and really do want to help. Now it’s easy to respond when the answer is “I have the flu” or “I have diabetes” or even “I broke a bone”. The focus then moves on to discuss prognosis and recovery. But when someone says “I have Clinical Depression” there is a sense of déjà vu because the question circles back. Of course, this time the person means to enquire about the triggering event – the evil evil thing that caused the brain to go cranky.
And that’s where it gets difficult.
Because some reasons may be too personal to share; others may be too bizarre. Of course, for some people who have suffered the loss of a loved one, pet or job recently; the answer is self-evident. But it still hurts to say it aloud. For others it may be a series of negative events that are far smaller in scale, but which have built up to the tipping point. Trust me, a bad office environment, being passed up for a promotion, or mean friends would do it just as easily as being disappointed in the quest for a loving relationship, feeling left out or distant from loved ones and the (di)stress of everyday travel. For some, the reason may be a personal sense of being different or not being understood because of their life choices, their orientation, or because of a personal trauma that they may not want to tell anyone.
Because some reasons may be too personal to share; others may be too bizarre. Of course, for some people who have suffered the loss of a loved one, pet or job recently; the answer is self-evident. But it still hurts to say it aloud. For others it may be a series of negative events that are far smaller in scale, but which have built up to the tipping point. Trust me, a bad office environment, being passed up for a promotion, or mean friends would do it just as easily as being disappointed in the quest for a loving relationship, feeling left out or distant from loved ones and the (di)stress of everyday travel. For some, the reason may be a personal sense of being different or not being understood because of their life choices, their orientation, or because of a personal trauma that they may not want to tell anyone.
Others may actually find it difficult to answer even if they
want to; since they don't have a ‘proper’ triggering event. These people would
like to say “Because my brain chemistry just IS wonky”; but that doesn't usually
sound right to those who looovvee them and think them perfect. This category
comprises of those depressed people whose life seems to be on a nice and smooth
path, with no major changes and no particularly upsetting stressors. Most people
in this group are really worried about telling people they love that they are
depressed. What if the loved one thinks that this is a sign that there are
issues in the relationship?
The third category – the one I fall in – is most uncertain
about how to answer the question. The nutter that I am, I seem to have a major
episode every time something really good happens to me. All three of my
episodes were preceded by very happy events – landing my first teaching job,
marrying the love of my life, and starting my PhD. Was there other really
negative stuff also going on, you ask? No, not really. Did these
positive events cause major changes? Sure they did! But the stress of adjusting
to these changes was a small part of my problem. Fascinatingly, the bad
stuff never triggers anything much. Not my mother being diagnosed with cancer
(which she’s now long beat and trampled on), not failed relationships, nor any
other so called ‘normal triggers’. Those I dealt with and vanquished with just
a little distress and some angst (But more on my messed up responses later).
……. So if I ever get a major award, gain recognition for
some good done, or some such shit; please ensure I am stocked up on happy
pills.
Yes…. So where was I? Ah, Classic question #1. If you are at
the receiving end of this question, understand that the one who asks is a person who cares for
you. They ask, because they never expected you to be afflicted by this very confusing disease. And because they may even be feeling guilty about 'not being there' when you were struggling with whatever triggered your episode.
You may not want to answer truthfully, or may not want to answer at all. And that’s just fine. What worked for me was to keep a neutral response ready that I worked with my doctor to create. It was not untruthful, but not the whole story either. It was just something I was ok telling people. So I would say “it’s fallout of some medicines that I needed to take before”. And people bought that just fine.
You may not want to answer truthfully, or may not want to answer at all. And that’s just fine. What worked for me was to keep a neutral response ready that I worked with my doctor to create. It was not untruthful, but not the whole story either. It was just something I was ok telling people. So I would say “it’s fallout of some medicines that I needed to take before”. And people bought that just fine.
And if someone ever lets you know that they are depressed,
and you want to show your concern and involvement, May I suggest the
alternative question “Oh dear! Do you want to talk about it? Anytime you do,
you can be assured of my attention.” Trust me, you will win a million brownie
points. And, no my dears, there is no way that you could have definitely helped them never fall into Depression. But yes, you can be part of the support system that will help them recover.
