Classic Question #2: Whaaattt??!?!? Noooo!?!?!?!

Now, now... I know this isn't really a proper question. "Right, then. Do not cheat!" you say? Let me explain my stand. For the purposes of this blog, I plan to classify any statement made as a means to elicit more details from the ill person as a 'Question'. Thus, this is a question.

“Still…”, you say? "This is not so different from Classic Question #1". I must beg to differ. The only real similarity that these questions have, is that they can be really, really difficult to answer. But while Classic Question #1 signifies acceptance of the situation and a need for detail; this little (usually squeaky) set of sounds usually suggests denial.

Now that that has been clarified, let’s move on. Approximately half the people I have come out to about having depression have made either one or both these sounds. Depending on how low one is feeling on that particular day, this response can bring out extreme irritation or extreme embarrassed-amusement. On a day when one is scraping the bottom of the barrel, it can be really tempting to say something mean like "Oh, well its true. Deal with it." On the other hand, on a better day I have more than once been tempted to respond with "Yyeessss!!!"

Note: That does NOT work. Do not, Do not try it; particularly in a public place. The back-and-forth of voices shrill with emotion can get you more attention than you want to respond to.

So, why do people respond with denial when told about depression? I wager it’s the same reason they do it when told about any scary illness. It’s difficult to process that someone we know is ill, and possibly will be significantly compromised for some time. Existentialists will say that it also causes a small existential crisis, since such information reminds that of their also being vulnerable; or at the very least informs that that their interactions with you have lost status - quo. I like to believe that it's also their like / love for the ailing; and they really don't want to face the fact that someone they care about is suffering. 

With any mental illness, there is also the extra little zing of the ambiguous and unknown. With depression particularly, the fear that the said loved one has 'Issues'. That this individual is coping with life altering problems - unsuccessfully. Now that may NOT be the case. Other stuff in the depressed person's life may all be just dandy - relationships, work, studies, blah blah. But, they fear the worst. And thus, they feel unable to accept the news. They hope that they are being ragged, or that they misheard or at least misunderstood. Soon they find that they did hear correctly. They really, really don't want it to be true though.

So if I understand the denial so well, why rant – you may ask. Because, understandable and all though it is, its freaking Maddening!! Most depressed persons will have taken enormous effort to up and volunteer that they are depressed. And usually, they really do not have the energy left to help others process their denial, or sometimes, to even care. And thanks to all the mad thoughts that depression gets along in its gift basket, it can be extremely stressful to process such denial. The depressed one may end up feeling guilty for being ill, or may feel like they don’t have a right to be depressed (substitute the word 'fever' / 'diabetes' in place of depression if you feel any confusion about why these are irrational ideas). They may find it difficult to turn to this individual for support that they desperately need. And worst of all, they may feel isolated, unworthy of empathy and lonely [it’s a very easy step from anything to these feelings when depressed]. 

With my first two bouts, I told precious few people that I was depressed. For most, I wore a mask of normalcy (so freaking draining, that one). Often, I made excuses to get out of situations where I couldn't wear the mask. Third time’s the charm though; and I got tired of doing all that. Therapy and experience (and having an awesome husband) have kinda immunised me to random denial; and I have taken to popping the information on people where I feel like it. Do they experience denial? Often enough. But I have learnt to accept it.... mostly. Now it can be funny sometimes; but no, it doesn't really get easy. 

So, this rant. If you heard denial in a loved one’s response on telling them you are depressed; try to tune it out. Its ok to be where you are and it’s a little bit ok to be where they are. And comfort food understands, and other depressed people understand. Everything you feel IS ok to feel; and people still love the heck out of you, even if they aren't showing it properly. 

And if you are the recipient of a disclosure about depression, try not to slip into denial. We do know that you do it because of your love; but it’s really difficult to cope with. :)

Classic Question #1: Oh my dear! What happened???

Everyone hears it when they reveal that they are unwell. 
Especially from people who care, and really do want to help. Now it’s easy to respond when the answer is “I have the flu” or “I have diabetes” or even “I broke a bone”. The focus then moves on to discuss prognosis and recovery. But when someone says “I have Clinical Depression” there is a sense of déjà vu because the question circles back. Of course, this time the person means to enquire about the triggering event – the evil evil thing that caused the brain to go cranky.

And that’s where it gets difficult. 

Because some reasons may be too personal to share; others may be too bizarre. Of course, for some people who have suffered the loss of a loved one, pet or job recently; the answer is self-evident. But it still hurts to say it aloud. For others it may be a series of negative events that are far smaller in scale, but which have built up to the tipping point. Trust me, a bad office environment, being passed up for a promotion, or mean friends would do it just as easily as being disappointed in the quest for a loving relationship, feeling left out or distant from loved ones and the (di)stress of everyday travel. For some, the reason may be a personal sense of being different or not being understood because of their life choices, their orientation, or because of a personal trauma that they may not want to tell anyone.

Others may actually find it difficult to answer even if they want to; since they don't have a ‘proper’ triggering event. These people would like to say “Because my brain chemistry just IS wonky”; but that doesn't usually sound right to those who looovvee them and think them perfect. This category comprises of those depressed people whose life seems to be on a nice and smooth path, with no major changes and no particularly upsetting stressors. Most people in this group are really worried about telling people they love that they are depressed. What if the loved one thinks that this is a sign that there are issues in the relationship?

The third category – the one I fall in – is most uncertain about how to answer the question. The nutter that I am, I seem to have a major episode every time something really good happens to me. All three of my episodes were preceded by very happy events – landing my first teaching job, marrying the love of my life, and starting my PhD. Was there other really negative stuff also going on, you ask? No, not really. Did these positive events cause major changes? Sure they did! But the stress of adjusting to these changes was a small part of my problem. Fascinatingly, the bad stuff never triggers anything much. Not my mother being diagnosed with cancer (which she’s now long beat and trampled on), not failed relationships, nor any other so called ‘normal triggers’. Those I dealt with and vanquished with just a little distress and some angst (But more on my messed up responses later).

……. So if I ever get a major award, gain recognition for some good done, or some such shit; please ensure I am stocked up on happy pills.

Yes…. So where was I? Ah, Classic question #1. If you are at the receiving end of this question, understand that the one who asks is a person who cares for you. They ask, because they never expected you to be afflicted by this very confusing disease. And because they may even be feeling guilty about 'not being there' when you were struggling with whatever triggered your episode. 
You may not want to answer truthfully, or may not want to answer at all. And that’s just fine. What worked for me was to keep a neutral response ready that I worked with my doctor to create. It was not untruthful, but not the whole story either. It was just something I was ok telling people. So I would say “it’s fallout of some medicines that I needed to take before”. And people bought that just fine. 

And if someone ever lets you know that they are depressed, and you want to show your concern and involvement, May I suggest the alternative question “Oh dear! Do you want to talk about it? Anytime you do, you can be assured of my attention.” Trust me, you will win a million brownie points. And, no my dears, there is no way that you could have definitely helped them never fall into Depression. But yes, you can be part of the support system that will help them recover.