Now, now... I know this isn't really a proper question. "Right, then. Do not cheat!" you say? Let me explain my stand. For the purposes of this blog, I plan to classify any statement made as a means to elicit more details from the ill person as a 'Question'. Thus, this is a question.
“Still…”, you say? "This is not so different from Classic Question #1". I must beg to differ. The only real similarity that these questions have, is that they can be really, really difficult to answer. But while Classic Question #1 signifies acceptance of the situation and a need for detail; this little (usually squeaky) set of sounds usually suggests denial.
Now that that has been clarified, let’s move on. Approximately half the people I have come out to about having depression have made either one or both these sounds. Depending on how low one is feeling on that particular day, this response can bring out extreme irritation or extreme embarrassed-amusement. On a day when one is scraping the bottom of the barrel, it can be really tempting to say something mean like "Oh, well its true. Deal with it." On the other hand, on a better day I have more than once been tempted to respond with "Yyeessss!!!"
Note: That does NOT work. Do not, Do not try it; particularly in a public place. The back-and-forth of voices shrill with emotion can get you more attention than you want to respond to.
So, why do people respond with denial when told about depression? I wager it’s the same reason they do it when told about any scary illness. It’s difficult to process that someone we know is ill, and possibly will be significantly compromised for some time. Existentialists will say that it also causes a small existential crisis, since such information reminds that of their also being vulnerable; or at the very least informs that that their interactions with you have lost status - quo. I like to believe that it's also their like / love for the ailing; and they really don't want to face the fact that someone they care about is suffering.
With any mental illness, there is also the extra little zing of the ambiguous and unknown. With depression particularly, the fear that the said loved one has 'Issues'. That this individual is coping with life altering problems - unsuccessfully. Now that may NOT be the case. Other stuff in the depressed person's life may all be just dandy - relationships, work, studies, blah blah. But, they fear the worst. And thus, they feel unable to accept the news. They hope that they are being ragged, or that they misheard or at least misunderstood. Soon they find that they did hear correctly. They really, really don't want it to be true though.
So if I understand the denial so well, why rant – you may ask. Because, understandable and all though it is, its freaking Maddening!! Most depressed persons will have taken enormous effort to up and volunteer that they are depressed. And usually, they really do not have the energy left to help others process their denial, or sometimes, to even care. And thanks to all the mad thoughts that depression gets along in its gift basket, it can be extremely stressful to process such denial. The depressed one may end up feeling guilty for being ill, or may feel like they don’t have a right to be depressed (substitute the word 'fever' / 'diabetes' in place of depression if you feel any confusion about why these are irrational ideas). They may find it difficult to turn to this individual for support that they desperately need. And worst of all, they may feel isolated, unworthy of empathy and lonely [it’s a very easy step from anything to these feelings when depressed].
With my first two bouts, I told precious few people that I was depressed. For most, I wore a mask of normalcy (so freaking draining, that one). Often, I made excuses to get out of situations where I couldn't wear the mask. Third time’s the charm though; and I got tired of doing all that. Therapy and experience (and having an awesome husband) have kinda immunised me to random denial; and I have taken to popping the information on people where I feel like it. Do they experience denial? Often enough. But I have learnt to accept it.... mostly. Now it can be funny sometimes; but no, it doesn't really get easy.
So, this rant. If you heard denial in a loved one’s response on telling them you are depressed; try to tune it out. Its ok to be where you are and it’s a little bit ok to be where they are. And comfort food understands, and other depressed people understand. Everything you feel IS ok to feel; and people still love the heck out of you, even if they aren't showing it properly.
And if you are the recipient of a disclosure about depression, try not to slip into denial. We do know that you do it because of your love; but it’s really difficult to cope with. :)
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